Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Why can't I pray?

Beloved, Clothe yourself in humility

Something has been lacking lately.  I just didn’t know what it was.  That’s a lie, I knew exactly what has been missing; Jesus. I had been feeling separated from him; but I was trying to fill that longing with many things but Jesus. Things I don’t usually struggle with like facebook and chocolate, (I don’t hardly ever eat chocolate, I don’t even really like most chocolate), but it became the only thing I desired, but it wasn’t satisfying me. And in the end the replacements just caused me to feel worse about myself.  

It started clicking in my head that my prayer life had been suffering.  I was no longer feeling a pull towards disappearing in silence to pray and personally listen to Jesus.  I was still going to mass, saying little prayers in the morning and evening, and chatting to Jesus randomly throughout my day; often though, it was because I felt guilty and like I had to do it, so I was just squeezing it in.  I became a weight and couldn’t get off the couch, founding facebook the most interesting thing ever whenever I was planning on going to the chapel to pray.

I could tell a difference too, my relationships all seemed farther apart and things in bible study weren’t running as smoothly, I was stumbling over words and not be as prepared as I needed to be.  

I kinda realized that I needed to make a change; I was going to win my battle with the devil and was going to build back up my prayer life.  I knew I could do it as long as I put in the effort.  I could fix bible study if I would just reach out more to girls and make it more exciting.

For a little bit, things were kinda better, I stopped in to pray more and was trying to read scriptures, but I was still dragging my feet to do it, pushing back the start time, convincing myself it was okay to leave early; and I was still feeling as though something was out of place.

I didn’t understand why until today.  It finally hit me that this whole time I have been having an I am Courtney, I can do anything attitude. “I was going to win the battle; I knew I could do it.”  I was really lacking humility; I can’t do anything without God’s grace.  I needed to clothe myself in humility.  I was trying to fight these battles without him, instead of asking him to fight the battle for me. I was his beloved; he didn’t want to see me fight these battles on my own, he wanted me to realize how much I do need his help so that he could step in and take my hand.

 It was like a weight was lifted as I handed my broken prayer life back to God and asked him to fix it.  I knew that he could do anything, and that I needed him to guide me.  It was amazing, the almost instant switch; after mass I didn’t want to leave, I could have sat and prayed all night.  I felt peace and joy as I left the church.  Let’s just hope this zeal continues, and it will as long as I am putting my battles in God’s hands and not trying to fight them on my own.